Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Start...

Folks this has not been an easy two years for me. It has not been an easy two years for my wife. All I can say is that one has to hit rock bottom to see how stupid they have been. Well... I hit rock bottom finally. It has been a long fall. I may have quite possibly blown any chance of being married to the amazing woman that I have been married to for the last 14 years.

I have said lots of words and I have done a lot of actions to not match those words. When we got married I made a covenant with her before God. I broke that covenant with her and God. I have tried to break the chains that have continually bound me from giving her everything she needed from me. There are no words that I can say, or a switch, or an easy button to make the hurt, pain, the distrust, anxiety, and fear that she must be feeling go away. Even if I came up with the words, I am not sure she would believe me. In fact I am sure she would not believe them. I am guessing this blog may not even hold much weight either. My only option is action. I am sure you are familiar with the phrase actions speak louder than words. I have done many actions in the past year that showed her no honor, showed no love, and showed her a side of me that for the last few days I have been asking God to take away.

The last couple of days I felt like Jonah and the whale or in the whale. The only person I had was God. I revealed and confessed my sins, my transgressions against our marriage. I cleaned out that closet that I held all of my secrets in. I gave them all to God. I promised him that I would give her everything I had... my phone, my passwords, and anything else that she asked for. I told God that I would do anything to keep this marriage intact. God revealed to me that he hates divorce and that the way I had been acting was sinful and shameful. God told me that I needed to release anything from my life that would hinder me from having a relationship with him fully and completely. Not only that, but also having a relationship with her fully and completely. I have done so.
The last two days have literally brought me to my knees. I have been on them constantly praying that God would speak to our hearts in a way that we could hear. I have sought Godly counsel. All have said the same thing in which I need to commit this situation to God and to be honorable in everything I do. That includes loving her to the fullest if she will still allow me too.  In the last couple of days I have allowed God to change me, to be the ruler of my life. God’s perfect will is for us to be together. But I also understand that sometimes God’s perfect will does not happen. I spent the morning today in bible reading the books of James. God truly spoke to my heart and soul. I am fully willing to accept whatever God decides is best. I do not want anything less nor do I want anything more.
Another thing that God has revealed to me is that until I stopped sinning and being shameful, I would never give her full credit for the change she allowed him to make in her life. I am thankful that she allowed him to change her completely and how he broke her from those chains that held her fast for so long. Through this God has helped me to realize how much I love her, how much I need her in my life, and how living without her would prove to be very difficult. I was blinded by sin and my actions. God has lifted that from me and I have realized that I never gave her the chance to prove how amazing she really is. She have been there this whole time and I was so blinded that I never saw it. I have a lot of time to think in the last few days and have allowed God to fill me. I realize how I sinned against him, against you, and against our marriage. My actions were uncalled for. They were despicable and most likely the final nail in the marriage coffin. If I have lost her, than I will regret not figuring this out sooner. If I have not lost her, than I will spend the rest of my life doing everything she requires of me to serve her, to love her, to protect her, and to make sure that ALL her needs are fulfilled. I want to truly thank her for doing what she did. If she had not done this, than I would not have allowed God to work in my heart and soul.
As I sat by myself, I realized that I truly do love her, our kids, and our family. I realized that if I allowed God to work like he wants too, than he would be the center of everything we do. I now know that she has every right to feel the anxiety, the hurt, and the pain. I have no right to get mad when she questions me about the past. I have no right to get angry when her anxiety gets to a level and spills out. The only right I have is to love her and show that I love her foremost with my actions, my relationship with Christ and lastly with my patience and understanding. I want a God centered marriage and family with her. I want to be accountable to her for every one of my actions and deeds. I want to be an open book and for her to know everything there is to know about me. I want to love her like no other man has ever loved his wife. I want to be united in everything we do. I want to put her in the highest respect and work to gain her love, respect, and honor.
I will do anything she asks of me to save our marriage and to live with her for the rest of our lives together. I have begged God for mercy and for forgiveness. I have prayed for us how the bible tells us to pray. I am bound to our heavenly fathers will. I have asked God to loose myself from the devils grip and I believe he has done so. I promise from here on out, she will see a different man than she has ever seen before. A man who loves her without condition, a man who respects and honors her like Christ commands us to do. I love her with everything I am. I can’t stand the thought of losing her.
So I am at her mercy now and all I can do is patiently and lovingly wait for her answer. I will do anything she asks. I am committed to and I hope and pray she is the same. Please forgive me for all that I have done. I am truly sorry for the pain that I have caused her.