Wednesday, January 4, 2012

All over the place..

Today has been full of ups and downs. I briefly took a minute today to write down what I had been feeling all day on a post it note. The following is what I wrote:

Slow moments at work... Apparently I thought it would be busy day for me. Not so...

Anxiety build ups... Had a few of those today... Maybe because I know that a possible opportunity for my wife to hear from me could present its self. But there were other things as well. Lawyer visit coming up on Wednesday (now today). I need you all to pray for me about this one. I want to be Godly and man up.

Wanting something to happen... At one point I was begging God to give me something so I would know everything would be OK. Maybe I thought she might stop by work or call or something... Not so...

Constant praying... I am in a state of constant praying. It is all I do. This morning I got up and had my devotions, prayer time with God, and read scripture as well as Fireproof. Back to praying.

Asking others to pray... Some of you saw my FB post saying "I'm struggling" and a few of you rushed to action and prayed and gave me "go to" bible verses. Thank you!!

Played Be still my soul....  No not the well know hymn, but a song by The Imperials. Ahhhh this hit the nail on the head for me. Here are the words to this song.

Surrounded by the cares of life,
 Situations rise, they press against my soul.
 Desperate thoughts have blocked me in,
 Feels like I may lose control.

A voice from somewhere inside me,
 Brings comfort, fills my heart with courage.
 That lets me know
 that everything will be all right.

I hear him say Be still my soul and know that he is God,
 He is God Stand quietly, He is The Lord.

If God is for me who can be against me?
 He is God Be still my soul, He is The Lord.

Teach me Lord, to stay with you,
 When my emotions try to rule me,
 Remind me Lord, of who I am,
 And show me what you want me to be.

His great strength, and confidence,
 Knowing that You are with me,
 I’m not afraid of tomorrow,
 What waits ahead.

I hear him say Be still my soul and know that he is God,
 He is God Stand quietly, He is The Lord.
 If God is for me who can be against me?
 He is God Be still my soul, He is The Lord.

Be still my soul

He is The Lord.

He is The Lord.

I was looking for different music to play. I had been playing Russ Taff all morning who is my favorite. But then I turned to The Imperials and the first song that plays is this one. Thanks God!! I chuckled a couple of times through the song because God directed me to that song. I was praising the Lord for his faithfulness to hear my cries today. All day I had been worrying about what was going to happen when my wife goes for counseling. I have been praying all day that the opportunity is there and God will make it happen.

My Fireproof reading today covered selfishness. There were some questions that were asked. I have failed at every one of them. I am going to change the words from DO to DID.
Did I truly want what's best for my husband or wife? My answer NO
Did I want them to feel loved by me? My answer NO. I was pretty blinded and stupidized (yes I made that word up ) by SIN.
Did they believe I have their best interests in mind? My answer NO
Did they see me as looking out for myself first? My answer YES

I really wish my wife could be reading this blog. I hope some day she gets to. I am an open book. OK so I am going wrap this up. Today I learned that I need to let the Lord work and be still, be patient, and most of all trust him. Tonight I went to a movie with my friend who also sings with me. I can't sit for very long without doing something because my mind gets rolling and I can't shut it off. I don't eat or sleep much these days either. I need her by my side so badly. I got done with the movie tonight and I wanted to call her and tell her how amazing it was. But I can't. I miss her so much and I love her more than ever. I cannot believe I put my wife through this kind of anxiety and fear. I will truly consider it a miracle if she still loves me and wants to be my wife. I don't deserve her. I really don't....

Lord I want what you want, I am bound to your will and where ever you go, what ever you want I pray you place on my heart and in my spirit.