I am sitting here thinking about tomorrow. By the time many.. well most of you see this, it will be tomorrow and things will be under way. I have many hopes for tomorrow. I so badly want to talk to my wife and listen to what she has to say. Then if she will allow me too, I would like to share with her what has happened to me and everything I went through to get to this point. I hope to see my kids tomorrow. I sure miss them allot as well. I miss my family. I have been praying all day that God would go to that place, in that room, before my wife and I. I have asked him to make himself known and to feel the holy spirit.
I am not going to sleep tonight. I have so many hopes for tomorrow. I trust the Lord that he is in control and he has a plan. I trust him so much. I will be praying through the night for his peace, his calm, and his assurance that he is in control. Never in my life have I trusted the Lord with everything about me. God has taught me so much through this. The Lord has made promises this week and not one has been broken. So it is those promises that I am clinging to. I know the Lord will come through.
I have said this about a million times, but I hope some day my wife gets to see this blog. So I am going to take a minute and speak to her. Here it goes:
I love you with all of my heart. God has replaced my stupidness, my stubbornness, my anger, my bitterness, my shame, my selfishness, my sin with his Love. The love he has given has made me love you more than anything in this world. I am so sorry about everything that I have done. I was too busy being selfish and loving myself and the way others made me feel to even notice you. I should have been loving you the whole time. It is my hope and prayer that through this you will give me the chance to build the most amazing, the most solid, and the most loving and understanding marriage ever. That our base is solid in Christ.
I want to be the husband that you tell everything to. I want to make every dream possible come true for you. When you succeed I want to be standing next to you because I helped you and supported you through what ever it was that you accomplished. When you are down, I want to be the one who picks you up, brushes you off, and sets you back on your feet. When you are sad, I want to be the one who holds you and tells you everything will be ok. I want to be a parent with you for our three amazing kids who make our family that much more amazing. I want a home FULL of love with you, not just a house with five people living in it. I want the world with you. Everything you have been wanting from me is here and I know it will take some proving, but I want to make sure you know that I love you no matter what. Please forgive me for everything that has happened. I am truly sorry. I will do anything prove to you that I mean what I say. Please see the man that God has transformed me into and allow me to love you for the rest of our lives together.
Honey, I hope you will allow me to have all of this with you and anything else that you want, I want too.
OK so if I could talk to her tonight, these are just some of the many things I would tell her. I just want her so bad here next to me. I want to look her straight in the face and tell her these things. I am dying to just hug her and never let go. I am dying to hug my kids and tell them how much Daddy loves them and that things have changed for the better. That they will see a Daddy who loves them more than anything and will always be there for them. They will see a Daddy who puts their needs, their mommy's needs above my own. The selfishness that once was in me is gone.
Earlier I was thinking about what God did for me. I was listening to a song that I have always loved, but today it really rang out true to me. It is Miracle of Mercy by Steven Curtis Chapman. It describes so well what has happened in my life. So here are the lyrics:
If the truth was known and a light was shown
On every hidden part of my soul
Most would turn away, shake their head and say
he still has such a long way to go
If the truth was know you'd see that the only good in me
Is Jesus, oh it's Jesus
If the walls could speak of the times I've been weak
When everybody thought I was strong
Could I show my face if it weren't for the grace
Of the one who's known the truth all along
If the walls could speak they'd say that my only hope is the grace
Of Jesus, the grace of Jesus
But, oh the goodness and the grace in Him
He takes it all and makes it mine and causes his light in me to shine
And he loves me with a love that never ends
Just as I am not as I do
Could this be real, could this be true
This could only be a miracle
This could only be the miracle of mercy
I love the Lord and I am so thankful for his mercy on my life. I am thankful that he forgave me and now lives in me. I know that the Lord will see that every one of my needs are met. I know that as long as I seek him and his will, that what God wants, will always be accomplished.
OK so here is what to pray for. I doubt many of you will see this blog until morning. Pray for tomorrows event. Pray that the Lords will would be done in our marriage and that tomorrow is the first of many steps of rebuilding. Pray for my wife that she will hear the Lord. Pray for me that I will hear the Lord. Pray that we both grow closer to the Lord together.
Father thank-you for mercy and grace extended in my life. Thank you Lord for my wife and my kids. Thank you Lord for everything you do for us. Help us to always trust you in times of trouble that we will cling to you to see us through. Thank you father for peace when we need it.