Saturday, January 7, 2012

Anxiety won today...

It has been one of those days where I have been overcome by anxiety several times. I had a meeting this morning, had breakfast with my best friend. The rest of the day I have spent in the dark under a quilt and watched TV on and off. When it was off, I was sleeping. I know.. not really a productive day. I have felt so alone today. I am missing my wife so much right now. I wish I could tell her. Honestly I wasn't looking forward to the weekend. I knew this was going to happen. I am in a valley right now and I cannot seem to find my way out of it. I am surrounded by mountains on every side.

A good majority of the day I have felt my heart racing and feeling like it was going to jump right out of my chest. I have spent a good part of my day praying and asking God for help. I have also spent a lot of my time staring regret dead in the face. I hate regret. It makes me say if I would have just done this or that different. Or ask myself the question what in the heck was I thinking? Or saying God I wish I could relive that moment or take it back. Or God why didn't I realize this a lot sooner. I have felt so stupid a lot today.

I have been reading the book The Shack. One of the parts of this story talked about God's timing. One of the things that I have to remember is that God is in control and that I really need to remain close to him. I have been reminding myself that my timing is NOT God's timing. Although admittedly I wish sometimes God would speed things up. Today was one of those days. I know God is teaching me things, such as patience and trust. But sometimes... like today.. that is real hard to understand. Today was tough no doubt.. No one said this was going to be easy.

Sorry for such a negative post, but that is where I am at today. So here is what to pray for. Pray that God would continue to teach me his way and to abandon my way. Pray that God would work in the heart of my wife and that she would reach out to me soon. Pray that God will answer prayer soon concerning something that I will be facing this up coming week. It is most important that I talk to my wife before hand.
Father help me to know that even when I feel alone that you are carrying me through those times. Help me to trust in you and know that you are in control of every aspect of my life. Forgive me for the times that I get lost in the worry. Help me Jesus to trust you and trust that you are in control.