Found out some news today that detailed the road ahead in one aspect of this journey. For the first time in weeks I have felt anxiety close to what I was feeling before. That familiar chest pain when my stress and anxiety level increases came back today. That feeling in my stomach that I had showed up again as well. The plus of this is I have my wife by my side. Another plus is my faith, trust, and hope in the Lord is deeper than it ever has been. So instead of fretting about it, I immediately prayed. I gave it to the Lord and I know he will take care of it. Now that is not to say I may try to take it back a few times, but I will give it right back to him as well.
There is a new family dynamic in our house. It is a positive one, a loving one, and a good foundation that my wife and I have started to build on. For the first time in a very long time, I heard the words "I am really happy mommy and daddy" come out of my daughters mouth. I was so pleased to hear that and it is proof positive of what the Lord is doing in our house. Like I said my kids have seen more than any kid should ever see of their parents. We are working to give them the family that they deserve. We have changed several things. One of them is an activity every night after supper. It ranges anything from playing a simple game, to reading a story, or a dance party, snuggle time in front of a movie, or telling each other one thing we appreciated about each other during the week. We are finding the more we invest in our family the more return we are getting. The difference we are seeing in these kids is amazing. I praise the Lord for the work he has done so far. I know the Lord is going to continue to work just as long as we stay in his will.
The things that I am finding out about a child's home life have been eye opening. It is all from experience. The ways that a parent can affect a child is startling. I look back at all of my old behaviors and all my wife's old behaviors, and the kids absorbed it like sponges. We have three little mirrors living in our house. Kids are pretty resilient. But sometimes the way in which they decide to deal with it, isn't so healthy. One of my kids is really struggling with the positive change. In fact this particular child struggles with any change because of issues that already exist. Kaos and dysfunction have been a norm in our home for a while now. When you change the dysfunction junction into a functioning family unit, sometimes kids need time to catch up. As my wife is, so are my kids waiting for the other shoe to drop. That shoe would be a repeat of the history. How in the world can I expect our kids to fall into line, when the line was never really there. I know what you are thinking... they can't right away!!! Exactly my thought too. So when the dynamic changes, patience with our kids is required of my wife and I. They need time to adjust once again. But kids adjust quicker to positive than to negative change.
I wish I could take back the last three years. I walked away from the Lord and with that I walked away from my family and friends. I decided that I was going to live my life pleasing to my eyes rather than God's eyes. With that the slide down the hill of sin was fun at first, but at the bottom of it was something waiting to devour me. I got devoured, chewed up, and spit back out. As a result I am now seeing the consequences of my choices. I am hear to tell you selfishness, sin, shame, and pride will lead you down a road of destruction. I will be putting the pieces back together for a while. I know the Lord will walk with me through this time.
For those of you reading this blog, I want to encourage you to really think about what happens in front of your kids. Some of you I know have small children. What example are you setting in front of them and when you think they aren't looking? Let me tell you, even when you think they aren't looking, that is when your kids absorb the most. Whether you like it or not, your kids will reflect what is happening in your family. Grandparents... the same goes for you. I know there are some grandparents reading this as well. Just like our spouse needs to see the love of God in us, so do our kids.
Ok what to pray for. Pray for my oldest son. He is having some struggles and God is working. But please pray that God would heal him. Pray for our kids and that God would heal those wounds of hurt and pain. Pray for my wife and I. We are facing a couple of mountains with some issues that we need guidance on. Pray that the holy spirit would continue to fill us and our house.
Father thank you for your healing touch. Thank you Lord for waiting on us even when we walk away. Thank you Lord for our precious children. Help to show them Christ's love in all that we do. Thank you Lord for our friends who pray for us and have been there every step of the way. Thank you Lord for grace in all situations.