I feel the need to make a couple or maybe even a few things clear. Now it is time to set them straight. I was convinced tonight that love is a choice. There!! I said it and I believe it. On top of that I choose to love my wife with all of my heart and if she will allow me... I will forever. I made the choice to allow myself to fall in love with her and I make the choice to continue that even though I was really stupid for a while.
Secondly, some of you are familiar with my complete situation. Some of you know what I am facing this week... particularly Wednesday and the weeks to come. Even IF my wife wanted too there is absolutely NOTHING she could do to stop what will happen no matter what she does. My point, this is the real me. God changed me completely and made me whole again. It is not an act, it is not a way of covering up more sin, it is not a way of saving my image as it was put to me on Sunday. By the way I totally understand why that was said. My image is gone. I want my image to be that of Christ when people see me. I want people to see how Christ has transformed me. I will have to face this week and whatever happens beyond that. There is nothing I or anyone else can do to stop it. Well I take that back. There is ONE person who can. God can stop it from happening. Consequence is the result of sin.
Thirdly the blinking green light or message indicator on a phone isn't always a good thing. I have sat and watched my phone intently waiting for a text message, or email, or maybe a missed phone call while I was away from my phone from a certain wife of mine. That light drives me crazy because it just disappoints me. I totally get what my wife meant when she would be waiting on an email or text or something that said I was thinking of her. Trust me I wish right now I could make her green light blink. But I am understanding the disappointment she felt.
OK so there are the three things I needed to get off of my chest. Thanks for listening to that. Now on to more normal blog stuff.
I had forgotten to tell you that Sunday I knew I would be facing some people who were familiar with what happened. I shook their hands and they hugged me and welcomed me. I was a little nervous, they seemed to be thankful I was there any ways. I saw two people I knew immediately walking into the church. I was very interested in how they would interact with me. I was pleasantly surprised when they welcomed me. I did try to sneak in there but there was hand shake time and well it was good. Small church, people who love God, nothing to hide and are real. I know of some other churches who could take lesson from this church.
This morning I awoke a couple of times prompted to pray for my wife. The last time I prayed for her was around 4 am or shortly before. I prayed that the Lord would help her with whatever she was struggling with. I would tell you what I think it was, but you may not believe me. I couldn't get peace and calm. But around 5:30 am I finally fell back asleep. Come to find out my sister awoke prompted to pray for me at 5 AM and that the Lord would give me peace in the storm. WOW awesome!! I was asleep by 5:30 am until the sound of my alarm. God is faithful. I love how God's timing is always right on. I love that when I wake up now, my first instinct is to pray. I was truly in a storm. This morning she emailed me and gave Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
What a perfect verse for the moments I was having through the night. I just really felt like I was right there next to my wife fighting that battle with her. Something I have never experienced before. I hope and pray I get to fight beside her more often.
Today my devotions were about giving God EVERYTHING, not just the surface level stuff. But everything inside of us. I prayed about that today and asked God to always keep me in check so that I was giving him everything. I want God to in every part of me. But in the same respect I want to make sure that I am always giving my wife everything I have. I want to make sure there is nothing hidden that when she sees me, she sees Christ in me. I just want to be so transparent in all I do and that includes being a husband and father. I have failed terribly at both.
1. I want a Christ filled marriage and every decision we make is with him in the center of it.
2. I want Christ to be the base that my kids always come back to when life throws a curve.
3. I want to do things as a family and really make sure that my whole family feels and knows they are loved ESPECIALLY my wife.
4. I want to take my wife out and enjoy each other. Man I really miss our times in the car when we could talk.
5. I want to hold her hand on a date. I want to do this weekly if not more than that. Date night is a must. AND IN TOWN.
6. I want to make sure that we always make time at least once a day if not more for each other.
7. Instead of sitting at opposite ends of the couch at night, I want her next to me or laying on my lap or me on hers just as long as she is next to me.
8. She is a great kisser. I want to kiss those lips so bad and do it a lot.
9. I miss her rubbing the back of my head when we drive.
10. I want to take care of her when she is feeling bad. I just want to take care of her period!!!
The list of goes on and on. I miss her so much. She truly doesn't know. I hope she knows soon.
OK so here is what to pray for. Pray that the Lord would give my wife courage to take a step she is unsure of and scared to take. I prayed for this last night. Pray the Lord would relieve her of her worry and fears concerning this step. Pray that the Lord would speak to her heart in the way she can hear him. Pray that the Lord would continue to work in my life and strengthen my relationship with him. Pray that the Lord would go before us on Wednesday. Lastly Pray for our kids. Pray that the Lord PERFECT will is done in our marriage. God has promised me and he will not back out of that promise.
Thank you Lord for peace in the midst of the storm. I am so thankful that you give us a place to hide when the storm is bad. I am thankful that when we are in battle that you are right there with us by our side. Thanks Father being my cleft in the rock and protecting me. Father lastly tonight, thanks for your grace, mercy, forgiveness, and your unconditional love that changes us and makes whole.