I have often times tuned my wife out when she was talking to me. I have often times forgotten the things that she said to me that mattered to her. For the last few years I hadn't really cared what she was struggling with or cared what her opinion was. I just didn't care and only cared about what made me happy. I often times would tell people things just to make myself happy. I would make something sound better than it really was. I thought I was pulling the wool over their eyes. But I didn't know that my wife was on to me and knew me better than I knew myself.
I could talk to the talk, but I definitely wasn't walking the talk. Inside that life of mine was something completely different than what I was living. Can you say Sunday Christian? Oh yeah that was me. I could change in a phone booth with my cape on and and SC on my shirt. Super Christian. It is easy to raise you hand while singing a song or while you are on the platform helping to lead worship. But all of that was false. It was an empty man up there trying to prove to every one that he could handle the things that were destroying his life in plain view... well except for me. I couldn't see it. That was at church just one aspect of the thing I called "life".
Then there were friends... I would go to them for advice and only give them about ten percent of the truth. The other 90 percent was lies to get them to feel sorry for me. To get them to believe what I was telling them was the truth. And to get them to believe that this situation was as bad as I thought it was. I was hoping to hear it was ok for me to be doing the things I was doing. I wanted to hear I was justified in having an affair. I wanted to hear that I was justified in being angry about things of the past and holding onto the anger that I was feeling. I wanted to hear that the situation should be all about me and no one else. That was the friend aspect of the thing I called "life".
Here we go, let's talk about my life at home. I would get home at night after communicating all day with the person I was having an affair with. We would have supper, put the kids to bed. I would end up on one end of the couch and my wife would end on the other. I would keep my phone next to me at all times. For a few reasons. One I didn't want my wife touching my phone in fear of what she might find out and the wrath that I would feel for it. She had every right to rain down wrath on me and she did. If it wasn't my phone, then I was on my laptop saying "I had to work". but really I was talking to the other woman. And for some reason whether it was the kids or my wife interrupting me during that time, I would get mean and angry. I would do anything to cause an argument to justify why I was doing the things I was doing. To justify why divorce needed to come soon. I would go out often to get us take out after the kids went to bed, just so I could have more time to talk to this woman. This was my life. Any way and every way I could think of to be withdrawn, I was doing it all the while putting up a fake front in front of friends and family that EVERY ONE could see right through.
Lets continue shall we? Let's talk about my kids and what a horrible good for nothing father I really was. I didn't care. I couldn't wait to put them to bed so I didn't have to be a father for the mere few precious minutes I had with them at the end of the day. I would do the very least I could and put all of the responsibility on my wife. I would only step in in severe cases where I needed to. But.... oh yes out in public I was the best father ever... well at least I tried to act like it. I could talk the talk about my kids and how great they were and the things they were doing. But seriously... how would I know? I didn't pay attention to them. I didn't listen to them either. YUP that is right just tuned them out like everything else in my life that I didn't want to deal with or didn't care about. In fact if you remember me talking about my kids being mirrors and sponges? Well that is what they saw. I see them acting in some ways that make me very ashamed of how I was.
Yes folks what you have just read is what happens when you don't go to God for everything in your life. This is what happens when you let satan have control and you make stupid choices. Sin makes you stupid. It is no wonder my wife has hard days with this. It is no wonder I find myself working hard as a father and reversing the things I lived in front of them. My youngest son said to my wife this morning that he really likes the new daddy. He asked why daddy was different. My wife's answer was because he let Jesus into his life. My son's reply? "I am so thankful that he did that." What amazing testimony to what God has done in my life. IF I had just handed my marriage to God and trusted that he would change it.. none of this would have happened. Instead I sought my own selfish desires.
Friends I don't care about my phone anymore. I don't care about having the laptop on after the kids go to bed. When they go to bed, there is a peace in the house that has never been. Our kids are starting experience what family is. Our kids have a REAL daddy now. I love spending time with them!! I don't want to ever miss out again. My wife is starting to experience what it is to have a real husband who loves her unconditionally. All I want is to be next to her at the end of the night. I find myself reflecting most nights after family time that we have before bed time and how I love that time so much. It just keeps getting better. I find myself wanting to please my wife in any way that I can. I love to make her happy. I love to see her smile. Folks she hasn't smiled for almost three years. She hasn't truly smiled for thirty something years. God has made a difference because I let him have control.
God is my Lord and Savior. God has saved me, restored me, and made me new. I am a walking testimony of what God can do for anyone. I will tell this story to anyone who will listen. I will tell them what it took for God to get a hold of me. In previous blogs there were questions that I posted and answered. I am going to post them again but this time, my wife will answer them about her new husband. She will agree with me how I answered them before was accurate, truthful and honest. I think you all need to hear it from her what God has done. This is the direction I feel the Lord leading me in for the next couple of blogs. This blog today was me being obedient to what the Lord wanted me to write about.
What to pray for? Pray for the next court date that the Lord's will would be done. Continue to pray for my oldest son. We are still seeing victories. Pray for our marriage that it continues to grow stronger.
Thank you Father for laying things on my heart and helping me to be obedient to you. Thank Father for your many blessings and your grace that saved a broken man.