I was just thinking today I wish there was an edit button in life. That we could totally go back and edit the decisions we had made. If I had that "feature" in life 2.0 then I could totally go back change the very poor decisions I made. Then the upgrade would be going a lot smoother than I thought. But sometimes when making improvements in my life, I am finding out that previous damage sometimes has to be dealt with it before the improving can continue. In all actuality there are consequences for every action whether it be good or bad. Our kids do not like being on the receiving end of a consequence that follows a poor choice. I do not like it either.
I hope everyone reads this blog today. I find myself in some familiar territory of disappointment. I received some news yesterday concerning our court battle. It was not the news I was hoping for and I don't know what to think of it. I must say that my wife and I are ready to move our family into the next chapter of our lives and serve the Lord. So I find myself working so hard to remove and clear the road of the things the Lord has asked me to clear. I have been keeping an eye our for anything else that could possibly stop us from doing the Lords will. Yet again I just don't understand this.
I will keep my eyes on the Lord and wait on him and trust that there is some type of purpose behind this bump in the road of life. Although I have to admit, it makes me look back on the things that I did and regret them more then ever. I have asked the Lord to forgive me, but I find it hard sometimes to forgive myself. I know the Lord has forgiven me, but trying to move on from this is harder than I ever thought it would be. Oh to be in this place spiritually when I was tempted to make bad decisions. Just maybe, I would have thought better and stayed on the right path of life. Jeremiah 6:16 is ringing very loud in my head right now. I know that this verse spoke clearly to me back when I started this blog, but this is just hard to swallow.
I cannot continue to beat myself up over this. I really can't. I was talking to my wife yesterday and I asked her to walk the line looking back and see how good of a job she does staying on that line. Boy I should be preaching that to myself. I also think of when my mom had passed. I had to work hard to separate living in the past from keeping the memory of her with me. It was hard to do. I finally learned that keeping her memory with me was not forgetting her. Just living in the past was what I couldn't do. In the same way I think I need to stop beating myself up over the things I did in the past and move forwards. But how is the answer... when do the reminders stop dragging me down and when will the Lord release us from this? God I have learned my lesson, why must I keep being reminded of it?
The other half of me and positive side says, relax you still have time and things can still happen. Minds can change and the decision that I have been praying for can happen. Then I think this might just be the Lord's will happening and even though it is not what I thought would happen... this is what the Lord wanted. Now I find myself in the area of trying to understand this. I admit it is hard not to ask why. I just want to do the Lord's will and I see this decision as a road block of serving the Lord completely. Now I think the Lord's timing is always the right timing. It is not about my timing... I will keep praying....
OK so what to pray for... My wifes job situation, my son, this court battle to go on our favor.
Father thank you for teaching me and restoring me. Father teach me to wait and grant me the patience to wait on you.