Monday, April 30, 2012

Forgive me if I am a little.....

BRAIN DEAD.... I have not slept since Saturday night. I sang three times in Texas this past weekend with the trio and made a 14 hour trip back home arriving at six o'clock in the morning and having to leave for work 30 minutes later. Needless to say I am brain dead and not much is coming to mind to talk about today. I pretty much will go home eat with the kids and put ALL of us to bed. OK we will see. I have had my 14th 100th new wind today, so no telling what will happen when I walk in the door.

What I have found today is I feel empty. It could be because I am tired, it could be because I spent a good part of the weekend ministering to others, it could be because God wants to prove a point. Yesterday I spoke about the past two years... not giving details of course. I think my Dad thought I was going to and I was told the look on his face was priceless. I wish I someone had a camera at that point. But seriously... I talked about and I have talked about many times in this blog about when we are empty that is when God uses us the most or takes an opportunity to show us something that we need to know. This was in my devotions today. I am reading His Utmost for His Highest.

"We don’t deliberately set the statements of Jesus before us as our standard, but when His Spirit is having His way with us, we live according to His standard without even realizing it. And when we look back, we are amazed at how unconcerned we have been over our emotions,"

In Romans 5:5 it says this:

5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

I absolutely know that I will never be perfect like my heavenly Father. But I am finding out that when we truly allow God to empty us out of the junk making us empty, that is when God starts filling us up with the Holy Spirit. I want to get to the point of being that husband, father and friend who is "unconcerned over my own emotions" and is acting out of the love of Christ because I am filled with his spirit. I think it is these moments where others see through us and sees Christ in us.

I seriously strive daily to be transparent to others. I know there was a moment this weekend where I failed. But I know when I fail, I am empty and God is standing ready to fill me.

OK so what to pray for... Pray for my wife and I. We are still seeking God's will. Pray for a friend of ours who lost his wife a few weeks back. There are still lots of struggles and decisions that have to be made. Pray for my earthly mom who needs healing. Pray for our kids. God is moving in our kids. Pray for May 9th.

Father thank you for making me empty and filling me with your Holy Spirit. Thank you Father for always waiting to fill us up when we are getting to the end point.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I surrender...

  1. All to Jesus I surrender;
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live.

    • Refrain:
      I surrender all,
      I surrender all;
      All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
      I surrender all.
  2. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Humbly at His feet I bow,
    Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
    Take me, Jesus, take me now.
  3. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
    Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
    Truly know that Thou art mine.
  4. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Lord, I give myself to Thee;
    Fill me with Thy love and power;
    Let Thy blessing fall on me.

This song was on the radio this morning when I got in the car. Seems lately I have been talking a lot about searching for the Lord's will in my life. I think the Lord made it perfectly clear today. Sometimes we humans mistaken things, emotions, or feelings for God's will. I sometimes think God is not going to reveal his will for our lives until we are completely surrendered to him. I THOUGHT I had been, but even my devotions today and scripture has been to the point today. So after the song was over I started my prayer time as I do every day. But this time I wanted to get on the same page as the Lord. I made sure that EVERYTHING in my life was surrendered to him.

This has been a week of struggles and challenges for my wife and I. We have encountered things about this journey that just caught us off guard. This week I have mentioned that more than a few times. I think the Lord uses these times to draw us back to him. I have always believed that God helps those who help themselves. It says in the Bible that God even helps those who cannot help themselves. My wife and I have been so caught up in trying to figure this out, that we go to a point to where we could no longer help ourselves. End result? We had two choices. We could give up or we could look to the Lord and admit we tried to take this marriage from him and ask for help. Well we asked for help.

I don't want to force on my life what I think God's plan is. I want to wait on him. I admit I have been empty the last few days and been trying to do it all myself. Well... that didn't work. But the good news is that God starts where we end. Praise the Lord!!

OK so what to pray for.. Pray for our marriage. Pray for our oldest son. We have made a decision concerning his life and we know God had a hand in it. Pray for May 9th court date.

Father thank you for pulling us back in when we wonder out to far from shore. Thank you Father for your daily reminder of total surrender.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Often and much

As a husband who has had an affair, I find myself taking the little things for granted. For instance, how I say things. I used to be able to say particular things before all of this happened and it would be fine. But now, some time those things need to come out with a little bit more care and love attached to them.

If you can, imagine you are towing a very old priceless vase that is not tied down for stability on a flatbed trailer. Now this vase is huge in size and if shifted in any way, it could fall and break. Now replace the vase with the heart of a spouse who's husband had an affair on her. This spouse has decided to forgive him after all the things he said, he did, and his actions. It makes for some very critical times in a marriage that never really had a strong foundation in the first place. So when I say things to my wife, I sometimes forget that her heart is that vase on the flat bed trailer that I am towing. If I am sudden in my words without thinking, that heart of hers will fall and start to crumble. Don't get me wrong, the heart of hers is some what secured down now, but not all the way and still any sudden move will cause damage to the work that has been done.

There are certain emotions that my wife experiences that I have to be patient with. Sometimes I do well and sometimes not so much. When I don't do well and it is because I sometimes forget that my wife needs to work through some of the emotions and feelings attached to this whole thing. When she needs to work through those, I need to make sure that I am listening and doing it actively. The past couple of weeks there were times where I failed miserably at this. If I were to look at the last four months or so, the failures have been getting less and less. We are moving forward, but sometimes time is need to heal and to work through stuff.

We make it our goal every day to surround our days, weeks, and the future with prayer. We pray together before either one of us starts our day. That is so important to us as it helps build that base and keeping Christ the center of our marriage. I know God will continue to heal us, and I know he will continue to gently remind me to be the image of Christ to my wife. I can't imagine what life would be life if Jesus hadn't died on the cross for our sins. I can't imagine what this situation would be like if I hadn't surrendered everything to Christ. But I know through it all the Lord will lead and guide is through this.

So what to pray for... Our kids, our marriage, strength for each day. Pray for the May 9th court date. Pray for our jobs and the Lords will for our lives.

Father all I can say today is thank you and I give you praise for all that you are to me.

Monday, April 23, 2012

A whole new thing..

I really think neither one of us had a clue on how to be married. Seriously lets face it, two selfish people with their own agenda's cannot possibly make a marriage work. This is not one of those two negatives makes a positive type things. So here we are about four months in this journey we call married life. We have three kids on top of that. So trying to be parents, figuring out how to be married and letting go of the past does not make for an easy time.

I remind myself and my wife that after what we have come through that none of this was going to be easy. We were stupid if we thought it was going to be. We are on the fast track here. Most married couples after they tie the knot are in the honeymoon period on the average one to two years. Well... in our case it feels like we skipped the dating and just got married and someone gave us three kids as a wedding gift. Throw parent issues on one side and an affair on the other and it spells possible if not certain disaster. Try to shed those while getting to know the actual REAL person you married it makes for a difficult time.

I mean lets be honest here, things between my wife and I are either good and we are ON 100% or we are off 100%. There is no in between and this roller coaster has all ups and downs. There is no cruise control or 50%. I truly believe that if we keep our eye on the ball ( future ), then we will continue to build that base and go up from there. A house will never stand on a cracked foundation. Eventually piece by piece, it will crumble to the ground. So it is important to build the base upon the solid rock of God.

When storms come our way and we are in our house. A tornado siren sounds and we are told to immediately head to the basement. That is the safest place. It is true in our marriage. When a storm comes our way... by the way a storm in our situation can be anything from the past haunting its ugly head some new way, or some type of new drama that may have a direct impact on our marriage. When this happens, my wife and I need to remember to go to the foundation that is firm in the Lord. Sometimes we both struggle with that and we take our eyes off of the Lord and we begin to sink, just like Peter did when he took his eyes off of Jesus while walking on the water. It is important to trust the Lord that he can help us with every aspect of putting this marriage back together. I think this weekend, we just needed to remember that.

My wife and I have a lot going on. Kids, the past, the anxieties, and all that goes with what we have been through. We just marched forward at our own speed and forgot to wait on the Lord. When that happened, we weren't sitting at the foundation waiting on the Lord. We got kicked and knocked down on our rears and quite honestly, it hurt a lot. But I believe it is through pain sometimes that the Lord teaches a lesson or two or three. Well.. thanks God's lesson learned and I hope we remember next time.

OK so what to pray for... Pray for our future. We are seeing the Lord starting to work and we just want to be obedient to him. Pray for May 9th court date. Pray for our job situation. Pray for our kids. Pray for that special someone in our lives that needs pray daily.

Father thank you for knocking us to the foundation of you. Thank you for teaching us a lesson and helping to learn what it means to wait on you.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I asked my wife a question... Here is her answer...

I have taken some time off of work and so blogging will be a little bit slow this week. But as promised and mentioned in previous blog entries, I would from time to time change things up. So today my wife will be answering this question. You have been hearing my side of things for a quite a while, now here is her side...

The question I asked her was... How has life changed for you since the last time you blogged?

Here is her answer:
The last time that I blogged was shortly after the incident happened.  So much has changed since that time.  For me the biggest change was to see how God had made a change in my husband's life and to see that in action.  For so long I heard so many words and excuses but not any actions to follow them up.  I saw for the first time a man that was ready to leave the old life behind and start the new life that I so dreamed of.  I saw a man of God, a great husband and father and the person that I kept telling people was there but just lost.  For the first time I looked into the eyes of a man who loved me and was willing to do anything to make this marriage work.  I saw someone who loved me and saw the changes that I made in my own life and appreciated them. 

Do not get me wrong this process has not been easy for me or him.  We have felt the backlash of this last year.  Trust me it has come back to haunt us many times.  However, when any thing came our way it was amazing and exciting to see how we were slowly coming together to face every challenge that would come our way.  It has been the best time of our marriage if you ask me.  What people may say. . .   For me it was us getting to know each other really for the first time, introducing things to our home that should have been happening but never did, really learning to love unconditionally, and dropping all the bad baggage that haunted our marriage from the day we said I do!  It has been a time of growth and looking at each other from our own eyes without any distractions from anyone.

 I often ask myself why did I not leave this old life and move on? Well... I never felt checked to let it go. I knew in my heart there could be something so amazing that would be waiting for me on the other side of this mess.  Trust me God's timing is not always our timing but when it gives us the go ahead, it is always worth it.  I tell you my husband is the most amazing person to me.  He is truly my best friend.  We are so patient with each other to release the ugly garbage that has so tainted our marriage and come out such a stronger couple.  For the first time there is not any more lies, excuses or baggage that haunts our marriage.  We have gotten all of that out and in the open and now we can move forward and not look back.  Trust me the devil does his best to try to cloud us and bring up the past.  Like I said this has not been an easy journey it has taken a lot of patients and understanding on both parts.  However, it has been well worth the wait.  We have found a love that is deeper than ever before,  a home that is centered around God and the family dynamic that I have always wanted.  I never want to get comfortable again in our marriage but I truly now have the love of my life and best friend.  So again you ask what has changed and why would I take this man back?  My answer is everything has changed praise GOD!!!!

I will be asking her tougher questions later, but I wanted you all to hear from my wife. When she is ready, she will answer the tougher questions and dig deeper.

Ok so what to pray for? Pray for the court date. Pray for the Lord's will for our lives. We have been really thinking about a move and where God wants us. Pray for our jobs and pray for our kids. Continue to pray for that special some one.

Father thank you for changed lives!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Speaking of normal...

There are many things about me that I would like to be normal. I would like to wake up every morning and not have to worry about finances, or worry about if the kids are going to cooperate in the morning, or if some other type of drama is going to enter our lives. But there is nothing really normal about our marriage. I cannot think of one thing that has been normal since the day we met. It has all been a challenge in one way or the other. It seems to me that there has always been some sort of drama. Some of it tied to me, some of it tied to her famiy and some of it tied to things outside of our control.

When I started to put myself in this situation a couple of years ago I gave up whatever normal I had left. You see folks this is a result of parting ways with God. I thought I was in control of my life, but really I wasn't. I gave that up the second I told the Lord to leave me alone. I began to induldge in a life that I had no business even thinking about or trying to live. There was just nothing normal about it. I began that slow slide downwards with something waiting to devour me. The slide was a rush for a while and the faster I went, more stupid I became. Resulting in my journey back up that hill and getting to the top where the Lord wants me, wants my family and wants my marriage. In many ways, I am carrying this load. I brought everything down with me, and now I must carry it all the way back up. It is a heavy load of which I am happy to carry. But it is a long road. It is longer than the slide down.

After the affair and making a marriage work, is hard. There are so many hurtles you have to overcome. It takes two strong and determined individuals to start over. There is hurt, there is pain, there is no trust, there are all kinds of questions that need to be asked and answered. I have heard many times that people know of a couple who this happened to. One spouse or the other had an affair for whatever reason but they came back with a stronger marriage because of it. Well here is what is interesting about this fact. While it IS true, my wife and I are definately stronger than ever. The things that make couples like this stronger is because they are now practicing and doing the things they should have been doing from the very beginning. Things like:

1. Loving unconditionally. This means ever aspect of that person inside and out, good days, bad days, and just ok days. Meaning that not only should I have loved my wife romantically, but I should have viewed her as a gift from God to enhance my life experience and that I should have showed her the unconditional love that Christ shows the church.

2. Unselfishness. This is a big one. I should have strived to put her needs before mine and considered her feelings about everything. Not only that, but the struggles she faced with her family. Rather than criticizing and thinking about how I was going to get out of the marriage, I should have been on my knees praying. I should have been understanding of the big picture. There were things that I put myself above and beyond anyone else that never really were that important. This is the last two years and beyond that.

3. Spiritual oneness. Another big one. Christ should have been the center of our marriage and our family. We just never made it a priority. I think we both thought we were strong enough to be married on our own. A marriage needs Christ in the center. How else will it survive? God cannot use two individuals in a marriage to do his will.

4. Transparency. There should be no secrets in a marriage. There should be no reason to hide on purpose or because you are scared to show your truth. The only secrets/surprises that should be in a marriage should end in some type of party or some type of a GOOD shocking surprise. Other than, everything else should be open and on the table. I can list many of those things, but the big one is each others hearts.

These are just a few and I can explain them later on, but for today this is enough for even me to chew on. I just want to say I love my wife more than I ever have and I always will. We have plans and those plans are going to be according to God's will for our lives. That is what I want normal to be.

OK so what to pray for.... Pray for the states attorney to make a decision in our favor. Pray for our jobs, and that Krista would find one that is close in town. Pray for our kids. Pray for that special someone who needs our prayers this week.

Father thank you for truth. Father thank you a new normal that you give every day.

Friday, April 13, 2012

One busy week...

It has always been my goal to write in this blog every day. Up until this week I have done a pretty good job at doing it. This week has been busy and there has been no time to write this blog. But the business of the week brought challenges and anxieties.

The challenges was that I had to travel twice this week to different locations for work. I got home an hour to an hour and half later than I normally do. On top of that my group sings Saturday night and because of the way things worked out, I had to do some extra preparation for it last night. Tonight is my first night that I will actually have nothing to do. So whew!! One day out of this whole week, I have a free night that I will be spending with my wife. Life happens and that is just the way it is. I hope not to face a week like this for a while to come.

This week was reminiscent of last year, but these kind of weeks were sometimes on purpose as I really didn't want to be home. So what happened was, I didn't keep in mind my wife very well this week and the anxiety that she was facing. Honestly I did a horrible job at recognizing it and then being understanding about it. Life happens and that is all very good if you are a couple who has never been through what we have. But if you have, then busy weeks bring much more than just business and exhaustion.

Busy weeks like this, bring back some thoughts of the past and how things used to be. Weeks like we have had this week will make spouses such as my wife have anxiety. I don't feel like I didn't do much right this week. I did a horrible job at the assurance thing and making my wife who is the most important person on this earth to me, feel like she is important. In the mind of ME, I am just living life and understanding that having a busy week sometimes happens. In the mind of my wife it is more like, yes this is a busy week, but she questions why it is so busy. Questions such as, "Is he where he actually says he is or should I be worried?" because last year busy weeks were all the time. Another question she ask was is she still important to me or was I setting her on the back burner. I really have no defense for this and I handled it very wrong. This week it was never my intention to set her on the back burner. I need to remember that busy weeks are not so normal for her and that there are a lot of anxieties and thoughts going on in that head of hers. What I should have done, was made sure that I was even more attentive to her. AKA extra grace day/week.. thanks to my therapist for that one. This would have gone along way in easing her anxieties and questions.

So I give myself a fail this week. A lesson learned that I need to do a better job at being the husband that I need to be. I need to do a better job at understanding what she is going through when things get busy. I need to remember that we should be walking through busy weeks together and not me telling her to be patient the week is almost over. Are busy weeks going to happen? Of course they are. It is life and life sometimes happen at a quicker rate than we like. Life sometimes doesn't leave a lot of time for the things that are most important to us. But the most important things in my life, are what keeps me going. My wife, my kids, and most importantly my Lord. When life gets busy, I still need to make sure that the most important things get the attention they need and deserve.

OK so what to pray for... Pray for Monday as my wife goes and talked to the states attorney. Pray for God's will to be done. Pray for that very special prayer request. I will tell you all about it when I am given permission to do so. Pray for the Lord's will in our life. We just want to serve him and we are waiting for his call. Pray for my kids.

Father thank you Lord for reminding us of what it is to be your servant, a husband or a wife, a father or a mother and friend. Father help us to always keep our eyes on you even when things get busy.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Choosing our words...

I am finding and learning things about being married that I never really knew. I think almost because I never really cared all that much on putting my whole self into this marriage. If I did put something into this marriage, I definitely wanted to get something back. You know the I scratch your back and you scratch mine??? Anyways... In recent days I have begun to describe in pretty brutal truth the depth of my journey. From having the affair, to going to jail, to being released from jail and sin. I have talked about trust and building that again with my wife. This is what I would call the after the affair effects...

I am finding that there were a lot of words that I used in the past that very deeply hurt my wife. Words are words are words.. WRONG!! and I get yet another fail on this. The point here is that my words hurt her so deeply that at times she has a hard time forgetting those things. My blunt, brash, and intentional honest cut her like a knife thru butter. I was cocky and didn't care about anyone but myself so I figured I could say whatever I wanted to say. But now... since God has changed me and given me a deep love for my wife, my words are kind, loving, honorable, and true. My wife however some times struggles because she is not so quick to believe what I saying. My words are such a stark contrast to what came out of my mouth before. So it is hard for them to take them as they are.

Sometimes my words were back handed or had alternative intentions. Sometimes my words were insulting. Sometimes they were just because... Sometimes I thought I was being funny, but in reality they were still cutting. When you are living a sinful life, it makes you selfish. No matter the cost whether upfront or after the fact, those selfish words still hurt the person... in this case my wife.. that I said them too. The after effect of this is at times my wife reminds me of how I used to talk. It is one of those things that I have to deal with. And when she does remind me, I make sure she knows how sorry I am and that I love her more than she knows.

I can never take those words and moments back. I can't. If there was a way, I would. But the good news is that God forgave me. My wife forgave me, and so did many others. Am I still running into those situations where I am reminded and have to apologize? Sure absolutely... but I do it because it is the only way I know to make a wrong into a right. When it comes to my wife, it is the only way that I can let her know how much I love her. I know this is just one of the moments that I have created after the affair and there will be more to come. I am ok with this. It just means healing it taking place.

OK so what to pray for... Pray for that special person as we find out more details this week. Pray for my kids. Pray for my wife and a new job. Pray for me and new job. I want to give a praise!! My daughter accepted Jesus into her heart yesterday at church!! Praise the Lord!! Pray for the Lords will in our lives that it be done. Pray for the court date coming soon and maybe this can be avoided. We are ready to move onto the next chapter of our lives.

Father thank you for your grace and how it affects every area of our lives. Thank you Father for these times that we can right a wrong.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Trust is...

I have often said that trust is a word of many meanings. When we walk we trust that our next step will be on solid ground. When we turn on the light, we trust that 99.9 percent of the time that light is going to turn on. When we put the key in the ignition of the car we trust that the car is going to start up. These are all easy things to trust. Everyone of these are almost a sure thing.

Trusting people is different. My wife trusting me the day I said "I do" meaning that I would never step out of our marriage with another woman was something she trusted me so freely about. I ruined that trust the first time I even had thoughts about it. I have often used the term "safety net" for many things. When it comes to marriage, you only have two. One is God and the other is your wife. With the simple flick of a match I burned both of those and went far beyond where I should have. The very second I crossed the line, I gave up all rights for my wife to ever trust me again.

Rebuilding the trust between she and I is a daily thing. It just doesn't come back after an apology, some counseling, and you move back in. A marriage that has suffered an affair just doesn't bounce back. It takes time and it takes work. There are what our therapist has termed as "extra grace days" that I must give to my wife. Those are days where she struggles with trust or has feelings of anxiety. My job on these days is to assure her and let her know how much I love her. There are still questions sometimes when I walk out the door to go to a meeting or something else or a quick run to the store.

This trust is not just about my where abouts. I am finding that in a marriage trust is about so much more than that. Trust is about the love and friendship that is the very basis of my marriage. This is also something that doesn't snap back after the apology, counseling... etc.. Trust is about when I look at her, or kiss or or being intimate that she is the only person I want to share that with. In other words, she is the only person that I am committed to as well as always thinking about.

To me my wife is the most beautiful woman on this earth. She is a gift from God that I almost lost. Daily I want to make sure she knows that I love her with all that I am. Daily I want to assure her that come rain or shine, I am in this forever. Every day I want to assure her that no matter what comes our way, that we will face it TOGETHER. I want to make sure that she knows that nothing will come between us again. The key to this is putting our faith, hope, and trust in the Lord that he will provide for us however we need him to and however he wants too. Bottom line, is this, the relationship, friendship, marriage, and trust that we are building is a stronger foundation than we ever hard. The reason for it is God. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.

OK so what to pray for... a very important person in our lives found out today that they have cancer. This is a person who is partly responsible for our marriage surviving. Pray for the Lords will in that and in all things concerning that.

Father thank you for healing. Today I pray that you would put your healing hand on this person. We claim it in your name.. Amen.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Tough Conversation(s)....

I would be lying to you if I said that the conversations that have taken place have been easy. No.. far from it. Dec. 26th on the way home from a family outing was a conversation that I wish I could have done all over again. As I sat in jail the words of that conversation played out in my head. As I look back, I wish I would just been completely honest as well as believed my wife when she said she would do anything to make our marriage work. I stupidly didn't want to at that moment, because I was so tied up in sin and the affair I was having. That was pretty much the last conversation I had with her until the court date which I believe was January 11th. If you click on the link you can see the blog I wrote the day after.

So the day of court arrived. I was the first one to get to the court house. I had been praying all along that I would get a chance to talk to her. We looked at each other before walking in. At that point God revealed to me how amazing and beautiful my wife really was. In court they called our case. I had to go up and after some preliminary stuff came the matter of the no contact and order of protection. The reason for this was so that my wife would have time to clear her head enough to think straight. Part of it was dropped so that I could see the kids, but not her. I was so dis hearted by this because we had mouthed a few words back and forth to each other before our case got called. My first one was "I'm sorry". At this time she didn't know how much I had changed. But following the advice of her lawyer the no contact was no dropped. Walking out of the court room, I looked at her and asked "why"? So then she looked at her lawyer and mine and asked if we could talk. The next 45 minutes we talked. Tough questions were asked and at this point she had NO reason to believe anything that I had to say. My only course of action was with action. By some answer to prayer both of our lawyers were still there and the judge was still on the bench. My wife asked the the no contact be lifted and it was done. By 4:30 that day I would be able to talk to my wife and see her.

That night I arrived and greeted the kids as I had not seem them in two and half weeks. We had some much needed family time together. Then came bed time. We put the kids to bed and my wife and I sat on the couch for what turned out to be an all night conversation. A lot of tough questions were asked such as why and where and what was I thinking. Another is how did she know I wasn't going back to her or to that life when things get tough. My answer for that one was God has saved me and I trust fully in him to take care of us. I explained my experience in jail and how God changed me inside and out. I explained how I was seeing things so differently and that what she had done was the best thing that could happen to me. My wife asked a lot of questions about things that I had lied about. I was honest with every one of my answers. Two years of lying and deceiving my wife were gone. It felt so good to give the truth. I felt so good to be free in the Lord.

Tomorrow... The building of trust daily and assurance.

Ok so what to pray for... Same as the last blog. I did have a tough day at work yesterday and I am really praying for the Lord's will. I ask that you all pray with me on this. I know I do not belong in my current career. I am waiting on God to move.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Open Access....

The night I spent in jail I had pretty much stayed up all night praying. I had allowed God access to every part of my life. The good, the bad, and the REAL ugly. I mean how much uglier could it get? I was sitting in jail for something I had done and regretted. There wasn't much good at that point. So if anyone was seeing potential in me, it was God. As I sat there I was definitely not feeling much hope for my life. The hope I had was more like I had hit bottom and the only direction I could go was up. Never in my life did I imagine myself in the place where I was at. This is not at all how I thought my life would play out. I mean I had it all planned out. The normal family and a great marriage. Suddenly everything that I had ever done wrong to make this happen played out in my mind.

Open access... I was hiding so much from everyone. I had so many different lies to so many different people. It was becoming hard to keep straight which lie I had told which person. On top of that, I hoped that I had told the same lie to certain people so that when they talked I wasn't found out. I also had my phone, my email, chat account, etc... All the ways that I could talk to this woman. I would freak out if anyone touched my phone, I always made sure that my passwords were constantly changing. Just like a criminal, I was starting to get sloppy and my wife was catching me. No matter what lie I had told, the proof was in black and white. So as I sat there that night, all the things that she had said and I could not figure out how she knew, made sense. She had known all along. I thought I was hiding things well, but I wasn't. Every one knew what I was doing and I thought no one knew. What a fool I had been.

Aside from coming clean with God. There was my wife who I had to come clean with. Not just two years had I hidden things from her, but I had not really let her know who I was for a very long time. Before I had the affair the state of our marriage was not good. She was under the spell of her family and I was scared to tell her things fearing the re-action that I might get. But God had saved her from that, he had made some things known and that turned everything around for her. God had gotten a hold of her and changed her inside and out. Now God was doing the same for me during this time. My wife was the first person that I had to come clean with everything. Of all the people I knew, I had to become transparent to her the most. My phone, my email, my facebook account (which by the way is no longer. We share one together.) Anything that was in my power, I changed to make sure that the part of my life that had gotten me to this point was gone. The next step was to provide her with all out access to everything. Not just electronically, but to my heart as well. I want to add that this was not hard for me. It was what I had always wanted, but for the last two years I was too ashamed of what I was doing. Pride comes before the fall and that is what happened to me. God comes after the fall and picks you up.

Tomorrow, court and conversation that followed....

OK so what to pray for... Pray for my wife and finding a job that is better suited for her and our family. Pray for God's will for our lives. Pray for our kids. Pray for a family that lost a mother today to cancer. Pray for me as I continue to decide the direction of this blog.

Father thank you for answered prayer. Father thank you for lifting and unlocking the chains that hold us down from becoming what you what us to be.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Changes I had to make...

God had started to change me and I was thankful for that. However, I had to make some changes and stop some things I had been doing up to that point. Feelings change for a lot of things when God gets a hold of you. Things such as your spiritual life. I found myself spending a lot of time in prayer more so than any one point in my life. Was it because I had been in jail? No.. Was it because I was scared I would go back to jail? No.. It was because these were changes the Lord had directed me to make.

Upon getting picked up by my dad, I stayed at his house. I had to go back to our house to pick up clothes and other belongings. That was tough as I didn't know if I would ever be returning to live there again. I figured most likely not. At this point I had no idea what my future was. All I knew is that God was finally in control and I had to trust him for what was about to come my way. The unknown is a very scary thing. Putting everything you have in the Lord to take care of it is hard to do. I found myself completely surrendering to the Lord everything. In my eyes it was the only choice I had and the only choice I wanted.

In the next few days, I found myself growing closer to the Lord. I had shed the affair and the person that was associated with that affair. I started to have my devotions daily and spent time in scripture. I developed a new way of living life. The time I was spending in prayer was not only for the situation that I had found myself in, but I started praying for others as well. Prayer didn't need to be just about my needs, but about others as well. God had opened my eyes to that and so I started praying for others as well. The best part about that is seeing prayer answered. For so long I had only come to God for the big things and didn't think praying for the small things mattered all that much. I was wrong. Yes I know hard to believe even though I basically had no interest in serving the Lord unless it benefited me.

Another thing that I had to change was the truth in my life. Up until this point, I had no truth in my life. I had been living a lie for so long. The only truth if there WAS one, was selfishness. When God had changed me, thinking of others was a whole new thing. I had to stop putting myself first in every one of my thoughts. How this or that would benefit me. Coming to the realization of how selfish of a person I had become was a very tough reality.

In the amount of about 24 hours, God had started to radically change my life. God was cleaning out areas that were restricted to everyone except for me. Not only did I have to open those areas up to God, but I had to start allowing others access to those areas as well. I will continue this subject tomorrow.

What to pray for.... Pray for us as we still are needing to make a decision about a few things. Pray for the Lord's will in our life. My wife will be going once again to try to help out legal situation along. Pray for my kids as we are still seeing some adjustment issues. Pray for a job for my wife. A new one, pray for a very special person in our lives. That is all I can say right now.

Father thank you for change. Thank you for transformation. Thank you Father for saving me.