I am finding and learning things about being married that I never really knew. I think almost because I never really cared all that much on putting my whole self into this marriage. If I did put something into this marriage, I definitely wanted to get something back. You know the I scratch your back and you scratch mine??? Anyways... In recent days I have begun to describe in pretty brutal truth the depth of my journey. From having the affair, to going to jail, to being released from jail and sin. I have talked about trust and building that again with my wife. This is what I would call the after the affair effects...
I am finding that there were a lot of words that I used in the past that very deeply hurt my wife. Words are words are words.. WRONG!! and I get yet another fail on this. The point here is that my words hurt her so deeply that at times she has a hard time forgetting those things. My blunt, brash, and intentional honest cut her like a knife thru butter. I was cocky and didn't care about anyone but myself so I figured I could say whatever I wanted to say. But now... since God has changed me and given me a deep love for my wife, my words are kind, loving, honorable, and true. My wife however some times struggles because she is not so quick to believe what I saying. My words are such a stark contrast to what came out of my mouth before. So it is hard for them to take them as they are.
Sometimes my words were back handed or had alternative intentions. Sometimes my words were insulting. Sometimes they were just because... Sometimes I thought I was being funny, but in reality they were still cutting. When you are living a sinful life, it makes you selfish. No matter the cost whether upfront or after the fact, those selfish words still hurt the person... in this case my wife.. that I said them too. The after effect of this is at times my wife reminds me of how I used to talk. It is one of those things that I have to deal with. And when she does remind me, I make sure she knows how sorry I am and that I love her more than she knows.
I can never take those words and moments back. I can't. If there was a way, I would. But the good news is that God forgave me. My wife forgave me, and so did many others. Am I still running into those situations where I am reminded and have to apologize? Sure absolutely... but I do it because it is the only way I know to make a wrong into a right. When it comes to my wife, it is the only way that I can let her know how much I love her. I know this is just one of the moments that I have created after the affair and there will be more to come. I am ok with this. It just means healing it taking place.
OK so what to pray for... Pray for that special person as we find out more details this week. Pray for my kids. Pray for my wife and a new job. Pray for me and new job. I want to give a praise!! My daughter accepted Jesus into her heart yesterday at church!! Praise the Lord!! Pray for the Lords will in our lives that it be done. Pray for the court date coming soon and maybe this can be avoided. We are ready to move onto the next chapter of our lives.
Father thank you for your grace and how it affects every area of our lives. Thank you Father for these times that we can right a wrong.