Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Open Access....

The night I spent in jail I had pretty much stayed up all night praying. I had allowed God access to every part of my life. The good, the bad, and the REAL ugly. I mean how much uglier could it get? I was sitting in jail for something I had done and regretted. There wasn't much good at that point. So if anyone was seeing potential in me, it was God. As I sat there I was definitely not feeling much hope for my life. The hope I had was more like I had hit bottom and the only direction I could go was up. Never in my life did I imagine myself in the place where I was at. This is not at all how I thought my life would play out. I mean I had it all planned out. The normal family and a great marriage. Suddenly everything that I had ever done wrong to make this happen played out in my mind.

Open access... I was hiding so much from everyone. I had so many different lies to so many different people. It was becoming hard to keep straight which lie I had told which person. On top of that, I hoped that I had told the same lie to certain people so that when they talked I wasn't found out. I also had my phone, my email, chat account, etc... All the ways that I could talk to this woman. I would freak out if anyone touched my phone, I always made sure that my passwords were constantly changing. Just like a criminal, I was starting to get sloppy and my wife was catching me. No matter what lie I had told, the proof was in black and white. So as I sat there that night, all the things that she had said and I could not figure out how she knew, made sense. She had known all along. I thought I was hiding things well, but I wasn't. Every one knew what I was doing and I thought no one knew. What a fool I had been.

Aside from coming clean with God. There was my wife who I had to come clean with. Not just two years had I hidden things from her, but I had not really let her know who I was for a very long time. Before I had the affair the state of our marriage was not good. She was under the spell of her family and I was scared to tell her things fearing the re-action that I might get. But God had saved her from that, he had made some things known and that turned everything around for her. God had gotten a hold of her and changed her inside and out. Now God was doing the same for me during this time. My wife was the first person that I had to come clean with everything. Of all the people I knew, I had to become transparent to her the most. My phone, my email, my facebook account (which by the way is no longer. We share one together.) Anything that was in my power, I changed to make sure that the part of my life that had gotten me to this point was gone. The next step was to provide her with all out access to everything. Not just electronically, but to my heart as well. I want to add that this was not hard for me. It was what I had always wanted, but for the last two years I was too ashamed of what I was doing. Pride comes before the fall and that is what happened to me. God comes after the fall and picks you up.

Tomorrow, court and conversation that followed....

OK so what to pray for... Pray for my wife and finding a job that is better suited for her and our family. Pray for God's will for our lives. Pray for our kids. Pray for a family that lost a mother today to cancer. Pray for me as I continue to decide the direction of this blog.

Father thank you for answered prayer. Father thank you for lifting and unlocking the chains that hold us down from becoming what you what us to be.