Friday, July 26, 2013

Redirection in constant motion...

Both of our boys have ADHD and redirection for them is just a part of our lives. If I were to have a motto for the boys, it would be "Redirection in constant motion". I will come back around to this in a few seconds depending on how fast you read.

Since moving back to Illinois, my commute to work is any where from an hour and half to two hours. I have used this time in the morning to pray. My prayer life has exploded and I have seen so many answered prayers in the last month or so. The last couple of weeks I have been in a valley and cannot figure out how I got there. This valley has been so deep that I made the journey back into my counselors office to talk it through. Well.. I learned something yesterday and there is a lot happening in my life that is directing me away from the basics. My life is constant motion right now. From the time I get up to the time I go to bed there is no rest.

I have been having my devotions and prayer time which is a good start, but I had to be redirected yesterday on the things that I had lost focus on. Praying with my wife each day, having devotions with the kids and prayer time with them. Losing focus on those things have had a negative impact in this family. We simply haven't given every thing to God. My wife has said repeatedly the last couple of weeks, that she felt like satan was trying to get a foot hold in this house once more. Well I have put a stop to that. I can talk about it all I want, but if my actions are not matching my talking, then what is the point? If I go back to the times where my wife and I were having devotions together, praying together and committing stuff to prayer, there was peace. I wonder how many other marriages go astray and head down a bad road fast when they lose focus and site of God.

Well here are some things that were suggested to me. Bond spiritually having prayer and devotions together. Find a couple that you and your spouse can relate with. Friends like this will hold you accountable and help redirect when focus is lost. Never get comfortable with how things are going. Satan will use this to divide you. Time together without kids to reconnect as it is essential to always be on the same page in your marriage and all that surrounds it. Stay away from drama. I can't stress that one enough. Keep doing the little things in your marriage such as compliments, validation, I love you's, assurance. Make sure the poison that tries to make your marriage sick is always deflected and eliminated. There is plenty of poison out there and it comes in many forms of which is to much to list on this blog. I may have referenced poison in previous blogs. Go look.. Last but not least, always be open with you spouse about everything. Mastering communication is key. If you hold in feelings etc.. it may come out in a way that could be damaging to your marriage.

I am on my way out of the valley and God is good. My wife is holding my hand and helping my hike on out. I have been open with her about how I was feeling. I have been asking God to lower me a rope as well. I was there because I lost focus and had to be redirected. Our walk with the Lord is redirection in constant motion sometimes. Keep your eye on God, and don't lose focus on what he has for you.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

What your kids see..

I often think of the times that I saw my Mom and Dad being affectionate and as a kid it grossed me out. As an adult I am thankful for that example they showed in front of me and my sister. These days when showing my wife some type of affection, I will hear my kids say “ewwwww stop it!!” or some other comment along those lines. I don’t let it stop me nor does my wife. We both agree not only is it important to show affection in front of our kids, but it is important to know that as we get older affection is still part of our marriage.

So I did some research. I will not bore you with all kinds of stats and quotes like I did on the porn addiction blog entry I did. The research simply states some facts about happy marriages with kids.  I think every married couple with kids should remember some of these. So I am going to list a two or three that I think are important.

Kids from divorced parents do not fare well in long term relationships with the opposite sex as they get older. The trend is in out of relationships because these kids have never seen a great example of how to be married. Divorce has a very profound effect on children.  It really disgusts me when I hear people say that kids are resilient. This is so not true no matter their age. Kids remember things. They remember the fights; they remember everything about their mom and dad not getting along. This alone has a lasting negative affect that could quite possibly destroy every relationship that they are in. Divorce not only affects the relationship and all aspects associated with, but it also affects kids in so many other areas that I could write a blog about these areas alone.  But use google like I did and you can see for yourself. Simple type “How does divorce affect kids” or something like that. A wealth of information will come up.

Secondly it is ever so important to be affectionate with your spouse in front of your kids. I am not saying have a make out session. In my house it is very common for me to approach my wife from behind and hug her. It is also very common for me to kiss my wife here and there. If you were in my house you might even hear plenty of I love you’s said not only by me, but by my kids too. It is just something we do. When sitting on the couch watching TV, my wife is usually right next to me, unless the kids are watching a movie with us, in which case they are cuddled next to us on the couch. I like to hold my wife’s hand when walking if at all possible.  Kids want to feel secure about their family life. Affection one of many good ways to show make them feel secure.

Third… I believe that it is important to help your spouse with chores around the house. Cleaning the house, keeping it picked up, or doing some type of house work sets the example that it is important to help your spouse. Unless I am sick, I am usually helping my wife with the big and small stuff. This shows your kids that it is important to do these things as a unit.

Fourth let us not forget our manners. Showing good manners towards your spouse in front of the kids is important. I think it is important to show good manners towards your spouse. I like to be gentlemen as much as I can. There is always room for improvement for me in this area. I don’t let my wife mow the yard. I don’t let her do things that are my responsibilities as the husband to do.

I think it is important to always be thoughtful in everything you do and say towards your spouse. This is a good rule whether in front of your kids or not. But when your kids see it, they will notice how it makes a person happy. They will do this in future relationships and towards others as well. I try to do something at least once a week to let my wife know how much I appreciate her with some type of thoughtful gesture. My kids have asked me when they notice why I do these things. I simply tell them that your mom is my wife, my girlfriend, and my best friend and I want to always make sure she is happy.

As with parenting, being married is not for the weak of heart. Marriage constantly takes work whether in front of your kids or behind the scenes. But remember if you have kids, everything you do and say has a lasting profound effect on them. If you want your kids to have a happy lasting marriage someday, then start showing them how to do it now. If you want your kids to feel secure in their family, start doing it now. Remember when you got married you promised each other that you would make sure they were always happy. When you have kids, that promise extends to them as well.